Butt Invasion (with Bonus Song)

It all started on a sunny, warm day.  I went to the doc for tummy troubles.  I left with a long list of instructions, 2 bottles of poison, a restricted diet, and an appointment for an upper GI and butt invasion, AKA colonoscopy.

Anyone who has had a butt invasion will tell you that the worst part is the prep.  I can’t say they are wrong.  If you are under 50 and having a butt invasion, it is probably safe to assume that the test is scheduled because you are having digestive issues.  So why do they give you poison to drink that causes more “issues”?  I know, it has a specific purpose, but it just seems a bit silly to me.

That wasn’t the worst part for me.  The worst part was the waiting.  About 10 years ago I had an upper GI and I woke up during the procedure.  Waking up with a tube down your esophagus is not pleasant.  It was quite scary.  So I was a bit nervous today.  I was sure to tell each and every person that I came in contact with today that I was nervous and each person assured me that I would not wake up because they now use a different drug to prevent that from happening.  But, I was still nervous.  And when I’m nervous, I sing.  So I sang this song:

To Stay or To Vacay

     I was faced with a tough decision.  Should I go on vacation or stay in the comfort of my own home.  The old me would not have had to think for a second about this.  Of course I would choose vacation.  But, I don’t recognize myself anymore and I don’t enjoy being away from my comfortable bed, ice packs, and heating pads.  Not only was I unsure if I wanted to go on vacation, I was scared to go.  Would it take a toll on my health?  Would I be miserable?
     I talked it over with those closest to me.  Everyone agreed that I should go, as long as I took the necessary precautions.  My doctor even said she thought it would be good for me.  But, I was still scared.  What if I’m in pain while I’m there?  “You can hurt at home or you can hurt in a beautiful place,” is what I was told.  Good point.  However, anyone living in chronic pain can probably relate to my fear of suffering away from the comforts of home.
     I’ve never been someone that allows fear to make my decisions.   That’s changed and I don’t like it.  So I am trying to overcome it one step at a time.  The first step was going on vacation.

Run when you can…

“Run when you can,

Walk if you have to,

Crawl if you must,

Just never give up.”

Dean Karnazes

It was just a few days ago that I was at my breaking point because I was so tired of being tired.  I’m not saying I’m soaring with energy, but I did have enough energy to go for a walk.  While we were walking my sweet pup started frolicking so I started a slow jog with her.  She pooped out pretty fast, but I didn’t!  I handed the leash off and continued to run.  You may be thinking, wow, she’s a runner.  Nope.  But, I do miss frolicking in the yard with my dog.  I also miss having the option of running on a trail.  It was such an amazing feeling to be able to run without pain.  It was nice to have enough energy to run.  I believe I ran a total of 1/8 of a mile, but hey, its a start.  I’ve been glowing ever since.

Tired

I’m so sad. I’ve been trying hard to get better. I go to physical therapy and myofascial release appointments several times a week. I eat right. I take my medications and supplements. I rest. I exercise. I rest some more. I try to keep a positive attitude. Things are improving, but the fatigue is not. After speaking with my doctor I am trying to taper down my dose of gabapentin to see if it helps with the fatigue. I was so excited at the idea of getting off of this medication…until I tapered down the dose. The pain came back, the sensitivity to touch is back, the burning skin is back, difficulty sleeping is back.  I’m feeling really discouraged. I also feel alone. I’m so tired of being tired. I’m tired of not being able to work.  I’m tired of missing out. I’m tired of letting people down.

Liebster Award

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Thank you to http://inflamedinthememranes.wordpress.com for nominating me for the Liebster award.  I began my adventure in blogging recently as a way to vent, connect, share, and learn.  I have especially enjoyed reading posts from Inflamed in the Membranes, You, Me, and Lupus Make Three, A Day in the Life of a Lazy Mutt, Cooking CeliacYarn, Books, & Roses, and Living Incurably, so I am nominating them for the Liebster award.
 Here are the questions Inflamed in the Membranes asked me:
  1. Do you have any hobbies outside of blogging?  I enjoy hiking, crocheting, and reading.
  2. Do you watch television?  Yes, lately more than I should.  Netflix is my friend.
  3. Do you follow a special diet?  I am gluten free due to Celiac. 
  4. What is your favorite dish to eat?  That’s tough.  I just love to eat.  Sweet potatoes are always around.
  5. Is there something you would like to do more of?  Living life to the fullest.
  6. Are you a morning person or night owl?  Morning person.  I wake up with the sun regardless of what time I go to sleep.
  7. Bright lights or dimly lit rooms?  That would depend on the activity.  I like bright lights when cooking or working on a project.  Dimly lit rooms are nice when meditating, reading, relaxing.
  8. What is your least favorite household chore?  Making the bed!
  9. What inspires you?  Positive people.
  10. If you had one wish to be granted, what would it be?  To be pain free.
  11. What is it you hope people get out of reading your blog?  A laugh, comfort in knowing they are not alone, inspiration.
11 Random Facts about Me:
 1.  I have a super cute dog.
 2.  I love Ellen.
 3.  I also love Jimmy Fallon.
 4.  I want to swim with whale sharks.
 5.  I am a scaredy cat.
 6.  I like to conquer my fears.
 7.  I miss eating bread.
 8.  I’m considering a new career.
 9.  I don’t know what that new career will be.
10.  I love learning.
11.  My first concert was New Kids on the Block.
My questions for the nominees:
1. Why did you start blogging?
2.  What have you learned from blogging?
3.  What inspires you?
4.  What do you do when faced with hard times?
5.  Who is your favorite comedian?
6.  Who is your favorite musician?
7.  What is your favorite book?
8.  What are your hobbies?
9.  What is your favorite TV show?
10.  How do you start your day?
11.  How do you end your day?


Official Rules
If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:
1. Thank the person that nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
2. Display the award on your blog.
3. Answer the eleven questions about yourself  provided to you by the person who nominated you.
4. Provide eleven random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate five to eleven blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 200 followers.
6. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers to answer.
7. List these rules in your post.
8. Inform the bloggers that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post.

Another Day, Another Doctor

Another day, another doctor. Four appointments this week. They say they want to work together, yet they disagree about treatment and I am left stuck in the middle. It leaves me, the least educated (about medicine), to make decisions.  Have you come across this problem?  How did you deal with it?

Torture Therapy Part 2

     Today was my second torture therapy session.  It started out with electro-shock therapy. I was once again instructed to strip down.  I think this is to prevent me from running away once the torture begins.  Electrodes were attached to my neck and back.  ‘You will feel vibrations, ” she said. Vibrations is putting it mildly.  What I felt was shocking.  So shocking that my body was moving involuntarily.  I couldn’t control my arms, shoulders, and legs.  After what seemed like a lifetime, the tormenter returned, removed the electrodes, and began the abrasive rubbing.  It seemed as though she were trying to separate my muscles from my bones.  This time I didn’t care, because I was so relieved that the electro-shock therapy had ended.
     Once the tormenter was through I was instructed to get dressed.  By this point I could hardly move.  I dressed and was immediately escorted to the next chamber.  Here the doctor came in and instructed me to lay face down.  Once I was on the table she put a staple gun on my back and neck and stapled me back together.  Perhaps if they hadn’t torn me apart this step would not have been necessary.  When I finally returned home I noticed that I did not have any staples in my body.  Perhaps the leftover electricity in my body had rejected them or, more likely, there were never any staples to begin with.

Worries and Planning

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    These diseases have got me down, physically and emotionally.  As my doctor explained it.. They are like a freight train going down a hill.  They are going to keep going faster and harder until they are stopped.  So we are working on stopping them.  I’m not sure how long this is supposed to take, but in the mean time I have had to stop working, dancing, running with my pup, rock climbing, doing yoga, and traveling.  So I have a lot of time on my hands (when I’m not sleeping, of course) to worry about what the future holds.  I know worrying isn’t helping, but it’s natural.  It is said that just writing your worries down can relieve some of the stress.
I’m a little stressed, so here I go:
Will I be able to go back to work?
If I can’t go back to work, how will I have income?
Will I need a new career?
Will I be happy/fulfilled?
Will I be able to do the things I enjoy?
I’m not sure just writing them down is the answer, but it is a start.
     The hardest part of this whole ordeal is not being in control, not knowing what the future holds, and not knowing how to plan for the future.  But, I can plan for the future.  I just have to plan for different options.
If I can go back to work, I will …
If I can’t go back to work, I will…
If I need a new career, I will….
If I have to take a new job I will find a way to feel fulfilled.
     Will I be able to dance, run with my dog, rock climb, and do yoga again?  Only time will tell.  In the mean time I am finding new hobbies and ways to enjoy my life.  Instead of dancing I am listening to music, laughing, and reading more.  Instead of running with my dog we are cuddling more.  Instead of rock climbing I am crocheting.  Instead of yoga I am meditating.  I am also finding time to sit outside.  I enjoy slow, leisurely walks that allow me to see more than the fast paced walks I am used to.  I also have time to help with the household chores (on my good days) that takes the stress off of my boyfriend.  Its a different life, but still a fulfilling one.
What are your worries?  How do you combat your concerns?

Torture Therapy

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  I just got back from my first biweekly torture session. It’s supposed to help retrain my body to function normally. It’s a multifaceted approach that involves massage, chiropractic adjustment , and physical therapy .  Since I am new to torture therapy, they only performed one procedure on me today.
     I was told to de-robe because torture is best served nude. Next I was instructed to lay face down, that way I wouldn’t be able to see the tormenter.  It wasn’t long before the stranger walked in the room. The tormenting began with intense rubbing.  Not slow, relaxing rubbing, deep, fast, chaotic rubbing. If the tormenter got to a muscle area that was tender she applied more friction, harder and longer.  She then grabbed my left arm and swung it around in unnatural ways. She began to stroke it intensely as if she were striking the truth out. Next she flung it across my back. She quickly walked to my right side where she grabbed my left wrist and pulled it across my back to the right side. She repeated this pulling on the other side and then moved to my legs. I didn’t think the distress could   get worse than what I experienced on my arms, but I was wrong. She lifted my left leg up and whipped it out from under the sheet. She then bent my left knee out to the left like a frog’s leg. Next she picked up my left foot and twisted my ankle out to the left. It wouldn’t move any further so she pushed down on it, so hard that the rest of my body came off the table. She didn’t appreciate my body’s response so she began trying to detach my skin and bones by abrasively stroking my skin and muscles. Eventually the torment ended.  It was time to stand up. I was lightheaded. “Walk this way,” they said. “I can’t  take anymore,” I thought.
    Dr Torture returned to discharge me for the day.  She warned me that I should not exercise that day.  No kidding.  I couldn’t if I wanted to.  I was lucky to be walking.